We’ve compiled a list of our favorite beard quotes. Whether you’re looking for some inspiration or some laughs, these beard quotes are definitely worth a read!

“I’m a pretty clean eater, so my beard probably just smells like the blood of my enemies, as usual.” – Eric Hendrixson

In 2002, Eric Hendrixson was cut off in traffic by a brand-new Mercedes SLK. It’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever destroyed and it makes him smile to this day. He quit teaching in 2005 to pursue writing full-time and in 2007, he was disqualified from a martial arts tournament for ‘excessive violence towards a midget.

That’s pretty much all you need to know to get a picture of the kind of dude he is. He’s sarcastic, hilarious, and writes really cruel reviews of other novelists. These are also hilarious.

By now, however, he’s probably getting fed up of the metallic smell of his enemies’ blood invading his nostrils. It might be time for him to get some beard shampoo and oil and if you’re annoyed by the problem too, you should do the same.

“A goatee is to beards what diamonds are to ornaments.” – Pawan Mishra (Coinman: An Untold Conspiracy)

An elaboration of the old adage ‘go hard or go home’, Pawan Mishra’s quote above is saying that a solid goatee really is the cherry on top of any perfect beard. A lot of dudes, however, have trouble growing in the hair around the chin and mouth area, especially under the bottom lip.

If you whack a goatee in there, however, you can actually style it so it looks like the gaps are intentional. Either that or leave them untouched for an extended period, eat loads of vitamins, and hope that the hair will eventually fill out.

I’ve got a gap at the top of my left cheek which wouldn’t be an issue if I had a shorter beard. With it at its current length though, it looks a bit weird. It’s taking forever to get those last few hairs to grow into a place to form the last piece of the puzzle, but it’ll get there.

“A beard well lathered is half-shaven.” – Oprah Winfrey (What I Know For Sure)

Look at you, Oprah – getting in there with the beard quotes. In our posts here, we almost always urge the modern male to keep his beard in good check. Why? Your opinion might be different, but beards that aren’t properly kept look scruffy. One of the exceptions is No-Shave November, of course, where it’s totally cool to not touch a trimmer for several weeks. I’ve been doing it this year and I’ve gotta admit, I’m starting to look like Grizzly Adams’ homeless Uncle. Who knows, maybe you can pull it off. All I know is that it’s not a good look on me.

“Any man can start a beard. A true man never finishes one.” – Anonymous 

Did you know that men in the British military aren’t allowed to grow beards? Strangely enough, this stems back to the times of Alexander the Great, who made his soldiers cut their beards off before battle. The reasoning behind this was that if an enemy grabs you by your face mane, it’s going to hurt a hell of a lot.

You’re also going to be pretty screwed because, y’know, he’s got you by the beard. In the times of Alexander the Great, you’d be looking at a sword so you might have had a chance, but modern day? Barrel of a gun.

Personally, I’d class a lot of dudes in the army as real men. Sadly, they’ve been robbed of their beard-growing rights, as have many other men across industries on a global basis. We only have to take a look at the winner of Sweden’s most beautiful beard, though, Memo Göcek, to see that it can be done. Memo won the Swedish beard championships and has no intention of stopping his grow. You go, man.